Wednesday, February 15, 2012

love and loss

While I am far from a romantic (or so I believe) it has nevertheless been a difficult day for me and I suspect, for any of us who has loved and lost a partner/spouse/lover in the recent past (however you define "recent."). My sense of loss caught up with me today and has doubled.

In this household - although there were roses in the early years - and always cards, no matter what -- Valentine's Day always got mixed up with Marty's birthday.  We rolled the 14th into the 18th and went out to dinner on the 18th. Marty picked the restaurant (ordered lobster if it was on the menu) and it was the one time a year that I picked up the check. My birthday gift to him.

When he was 82, Emma was his birthday present and we were at the hospital. I don't remember anything about dinner -- I think we postposed it for a day.
But Marty was afraid to hold that brand new baby and it was a month or so until he felt secure enough to hold her.
 When he was 82, we went out to dinner with Ross & Nancy -- and Jon, who had come down from Boston to see his father.  Marty did not order the lobster, even though he wanted it. He never explained why and he never had lobster again.
This coming Saturday he would have been 83. Perhaps my sense of loss will have receded a bit by then.  Instead of birthday dinner, there will be a birthday cupcake. I am going to celebrate Emma's birthday with her and that will give me great joy.

29 comments:

Terry said...

Sending a virtual hug and wishes for a wonderful birthday celebration with Emma. The babies surely do keep things from being too dark, little rays of joyful light they are.

Jeannie said...

I am also sending you warm hugs and wish that I could be there in person. We would eat lobster in his honor and you would tell me stories about Marty. We would laugh and we would cry, but through it all, we would honor Marty. Celebrate Emma and the future you have with her. Perhaps she will develop a taste for lobster. xoxo

Marianne said...

Que ces doux souvenirs restent précieux à votre coeur et que le sourire d'Emma soit un vrai cadeau à votre âme

terificreations said...

Rayna, deep loss and grief are prompted by the heart. We have no control over when the heart chooses to express grief. It is the heart memory of this time of year that brings the loss and grief to the surface reminding you of the love of your life.
As I sit here and write certain memories bubble to the surface and grief steps in briefly to say hello and it will journey on the way. The grief will ease, embrace it for what it is a deep love that misses the one who was loved!
Teri

imquilternity said...

Nothing can make up for your loss, but I hope that the birthday celebration with Emma will help to ease it a bit.

Sandy said...

Big hugs. Thanks for telling us about Marty and the dinners. Go ahead and tell us more. Talking about someone does help.
Love from Sandy in the UK

yarngoddess said...

... X O X O ...

HollyM said...

Our happy times are always tempered with loss it seems. I t is good to honor those we've lost so we can hole them in our hearts.

quilthexle said...

Big soft hug to you, Rayna. I guess these visits of grief are something we just have to live through ... It becomes easier with time, but it will never be totally gone. I loved what you shared today, and I hope it helped you a bit. You told the world how wonderful Marty was, and every word speaks of your love to him. And how much you love Emma - love never ends, hm ? Take good care of yourself, dear friend !

Michele Bilyeu said...

My heart goes out to you, completely and in all ways, Rayna! I cannot even imagine how hard this loss must be. So many hugs, and thoughts go out to you today, and everyday. (((Rayna)))

Beverly said...

I'm sending a big hug your way, Rayna- I can only imagine how difficult this last year has been. I hope your time with Emma takes some of the sting.

Merrilee said...

Last night (yes, Valentine's Day)was the 21st anniversary of my husband's death. Seems like just yesterday. There will always be things, dates and memories that bring Marty back to you, and after a while, you don't feel the pain as strongly, and cherish that feeling of nearness again. It's a bittersweet time, that's for sure. My love and warm thoughts are with you, my friend.

Karoda said...

Emma is very blessed to have you for her grandmother, Rayna...I'm wishing the two of you many shared stories and birthday exchanges, peace...

Karen Newman Fridy said...

Such wonderful memories of Marty! Loss creates a bitter sting but memories help ease the pain...and sharing those memories honors them.

Enjoy making new memories with Emma <3

Gerrie said...

You and Laura are both making me a bit teary eyed today. Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts. Enjoy the adorable Emma.

Judy said...

Warm Hugs to you Dear One.....there's nothing I can't say that others before haven't already said. Know that I am thinking of you!

xo

Marie Z. Johansen said...

beautifully said Rayna. In my experience ( my mom fued st 46) i've found the pain dims but the list feelings is always there- just lingering beneath the surface. Be well.

Linda Hicks said...

My bee just left our meeting at my house. One member had passed around your new book and another asked for your popular blog (I told the group how an arrival of your blog by email just brightens the days of many in my guild). Yesterday, something happened with the FeedBlitz, but by persistence I was able to find this. I have signed up again and will mail out your blog address to all in the bee. They will be cheered!
I am glad to meet Marty so that I can picture him as I do you when I drive toward Livingston from NYC. The last time was for my granddaughter's Valentine 6th birthday. We will meet up! Enjoying watching Emma. After 2 boys, I realize girls are such fun. Love!

MariQuilts said...

Thinking of you...very moving post.

Mia Bloom Designs said...

Beautifully written, Rayna. My thoughts are with you as you remember Marty and enjoy Emma.

Natalya Aikens said...

oh Rayna... sending you hugs...

fluxustulip said...

Rayna...I'm smiling through my tears as I read your post. Thanks for sharing your joy/pain. cc

Ruth Anne Olson said...

Even more hugs to you, Rayna. I know this has been a difficult year for you, but I'm so glad you have your little Emma to bring you joy. And everyone else who loves you--there are many.

Martha said...

Thinking of you and sharing your loss. Valentine's Day, our 58th anniversary, and soon, Roy's 82nd birthday all remind us that we weren't ready for them to leave. A friend called this "drive-by grief." An apt phrase.
Martha Ginn

Sandy said...

Dear Rayna- I think it lovely that Emma and Marty have their birthday in common! What a lovely gift to remember him by. You and Emma can have a little tradition talking about Grandpa every year so his memory carries on. Wish I were around to give you a hug.

Connie Rose said...

Sending lots of love and hugs to you. Thanks for sharing your pain and loss with us, it's really touching.

Hope you and Emma have a sweet birthday weekend. And as many have said, it is precious that she shares her birthday with her grandpa.

Much love.

Eva said...

Yes, a loved person is unique and we all know the experience of loss, be it through separation or death. Yet, I believe in the power of life and that each being is unique. We experience the uniqueness of a person by loving him or her. So there are more unique beings we can get to know better, love and be in this big embrace we call universal love. Sorry for preaching, happens sometimes.

janice said...

Rayna I don't get to read blogs everyday so I am late. I really can't say anything more than what has already been posted. I enjoyed reading your post and know that a piece of Marty lives on in all of your grandchildren. Many hugs and much love to you.

Cindy Cooksey said...

Such beautiful, bittersweet thoughts. Such is the cycle of life, mourning those who have left us and celebrating the young ones who give us joy.